When the head and heart are misaligned

As I continue to trudge through this so called journey of life I find I am often conflicted and confronted with what my head knows and my heart feels. When they are aligned and in sync with one another all feels right in the world. God is on the move, he's using our pain, he's using Britton and our experience to move others into action, there's encouragement, motivation, transformation, a level of healing that takes place. But then life happens again. And all of the sudden the head and heart get misaligned. They aren't communicating with each other. One wants to go north and the other south, one wants to go east and the other west. There's this tugging and pull knowing your head is reminding you of all that God and Jesus are but your heart doesn't want to follow. 

Jon and I just recently miscarried our 5th baby. We now have 3 losses under our belt. I never thought I would say those words. Let alone 3 times. We lost another baby. Logically I can thank the Lord we lost this baby early and if this baby had something wrong that they are whole and with Jesus but my heart is not there yet. My heart is wrestling again. My heart is hurt and in pain. What do I do with the Almighty God, the Creator who is also the taker. I don't like wrestling with God. I like being in a place where his love for me is so entangled in my heart that I can't get away from it. But this, another loss takes my heart back to a place of deep rooted hurt and pain and I don't want him to pick up the pieces for me. I do not want to be comforted by the one who hurt me again. EVEN-THOUGH I know he is the only one that can provide me with what I need. My head is telling me yes but my heart is saying no. I want to stiff arm his love because it doesn't feel like love to me right now. Again, my head is telling me all the truths about the amazing, compassionate, merciful, loving, gracious, almighty God I know but my heart is not receptive to letting the truths sink in. 

It doesn't feel good to be misaligned. So what do we do? We follow our head and not our hearts. Because if you've experienced Jesus in a transformational way your head knows a Jesus you can't deny; unlike your heart which teeters based upon the tossing and turning waves of reality. To realign ourselves we need to act based upon what we know and not what we feel. We chose to pursue despite the feelings. We chose to take steps forward despite the feelings. We chose to persevere despite the feelings. Because we know that when we run towards our knowledge and wisdom of the truths God has given us through his Word, his presence and the Holy Spirit that our hearts will follow. Jesus will prove himself to be faithful yet again. His glory will shine through the perseverance. He will kindly and gently remind us that he is patient with us, he knows our pain, and he offers a hope no one else can. A light that shines bright in our darkness. It might take a while for our hearts to catch up but that's when the grace of Jesus comes in to help close the gap. 

"Though he slay me, I will hope in him..." Job 13:15