It’s all in the details...

4 years. How has it been 4 years? We’ve had 4 years of a hole. Missing the little daily growth and developments of Britton, the daily laughs, smiles, tears and tantrums. The daily hugs and kisses. 

As May 6th and 7th approached this year I felt the fog heavy again. It felt like my world stopped all over again. Though the physical ache was not as strong the mental was. Couldn’t think, had a hard time being around people, the simple tasks didn’t seem so simple anymore. As the years have passed I find myself having less grace for those days because I “should” be better or I “should” have healed from the pain but the reality is, Britton still isn’t here and a pain that forever is. 

I have found myself to be numb. Not wanting to think about her, look at her pictures, and wanting to run because if I do, I know the pain. That unbearable pain of those two days and the days to follow just 4 years ago. 

It has become a tradition of ours to get out of town on the 7th, usually to Leavenworth. So here we were today, driving away. Away from the reality of our day 4 years ago and it felt good to run, escape only to be stopped by a construction worker right at the spot where 1 week after losing Britton I was on the phone with Shutterfly pleading with the employee for our photo book to be shipped in time for her service. As we sat stopped, I stared. Stared at the parking lot and felt the Lord tell me to stop. Stop running. Embrace the pain because I will meet you there, in the details...

And it sent me back. Back to those 2 days and all the details he took care of for us, and all the details he continues to take care of...it’s amazing. How symbolic he is, how intimate he is, how well he knows us. Friends it truly is amazing!

To name only a few (there have seriously been soooo....many):

How we could not have hand picked a better nurse for us the day we delivered Britton. Ashley was an angel. One week ago, due to my procrastination and the Lord using it, I ran into Ashely at Fred Meyer. Only God. I got to thank her and cry with her as we talked about that day. She was in the trenches with us, coached us, cried with us, cared for us. The Lord knew I needed to see that connection to Britton.

2 absolutely stunning sunsets the past two nights. One of which when I went out little sprinkles of raindrops were falling on me. It felt so much like Jesus was saying, “take in my promises and know I am weeping with you because I am compassionate, I care, and I hurt for you and with you.” Just as he wept with Martha and Mary even though he knew minutes later he would raise Lazarus from the dead. 

As we climbed the mountain to Leavenworth today the fog became thick. And we were right in the middle of it, all we could see. It reminded me of when God led his people through the desert. The promise of him never leaving us, leading and guiding us. Which he has so faithful done these last 4 years as we navigate our grief. 

And then we came out on the other side. Sun and beauty. We have 2 more beautiful children because of Britton. Our lives are so much more fruitful. We enjoy the little things. Take in the moments. Do what matters. Serve and love others the way Jesus has shown us. We love our boys in a deeper way and parent differently because of Britton. We are more patient and don’t sweat the small stuff. I know I’ve said it before but she changed our lives for our good and his glory, even if the pain still exists. 

Britton revealed to me the details God ordains in our life. Moving forward after those days all the “noise” of the world was removed and I saw Jesus in everything. It was amazing. It gave me a glimpse, I believe, of what heaven is like and Britton is experiencing. Where everything is saturated with his goodness and glory and Britton’s not blinded to it and for a while I wasn’t as well. He is in the details of our everyday and when we are not blind to it we get to live in his blessings and love for us. The Lord reminded me of that this year and it is so sweet. These past years as I have prepared for this day I have focused on physical details, like decorations and such, but this year I was so in tune with Jesus taking care of the emotional details, my needs, that the physical details didn't matter. He loves us recklessly. He knows us better than we know ourselves and he will do whatever he can to reveal that to us. How beautiful! Friends please don’t miss the Lord in the details of your lives. It is such an amazing way to experience his love for you.

"I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock. I will fins my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. I will bring them back home to their own land of Israel from among the peoples and nations.  I will feed them on the mountains of Israel and by the rivers and in all the places where people live. Yes, I will give them good pastureland on the high hills of Israel. There they will lie down in pleasant places and feed in the lush pastures of the hills. I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord."  Ezekiel 34:11-15

Britton, you sweet 4 year old. I miss you everyday. I miss not getting to do mommy daughter dates with you. Based upon how your brothers are I just know you would be cute as a button and we wouldn’t be able to get enough of you. I miss seeing you look into your daddies eyes as he spoils you rotten. Your three brothers will always carry a piece of you with them. But I take great comfort knowing you are looking into your heavenly Father’s eyes who will never disappoint. We love you deeper everyday and are one day closer to seeing you again.